Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Cats (2019)
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.