Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of flashember's best tweets

@flashember : a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky "mom" lol like how embarassing

@flashember: [Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

@flashember: *wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

@flashember: ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

@flashember: When you're dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

@flashember: when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

@flashember: the only reason sharks haven't built an advanced civilization yet is because they'll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

@flashember: imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there's no wind)

@flashember: EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape's fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*

@flashember: (invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail