Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of flashember's best tweets

@flashember : ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

@flashember: When you're dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

@flashember: when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

@flashember: the only reason sharks haven't built an advanced civilization yet is because they'll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

@flashember: imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there's no wind)

@flashember: EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape's fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

@flashember: (invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

@flashember: Me: i think i'm being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we're on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don't remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

@flashember: Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

@flashember: ME: lately I feel lonely. like I've become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND'S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*