Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
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me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.