A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache