cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
You Might Also Like
The Weeknd is back
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My beach vacation Google searches
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean