robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.