America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid