I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.