Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
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Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
They also CAN sing✌️
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.