Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
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Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.