I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
put ‘er there pardner!
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.