Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.