I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.