A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Autocarrot sucks!
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake