Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
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Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I love it all
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about