crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
What?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”