Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.