People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant