Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.