the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*orders delivery*
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
#Caturday
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.