Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut