You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
You’re the unreachable booger of people.