I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
This is not me but this is me
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV