Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner