This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 馃憖
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Jesus has returned! He鈥檚 in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it鈥檚 TOTALLY him.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i鈥檓 not sure what u mean
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Her: I can鈥檛 believe you got us kicked out of my cousin鈥檚 wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You鈥檙e very clingy.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she鈥檇 love to know too.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we鈥檙e at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don鈥檛 know how I鈥檓 supposed to feel about that.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me: Just so you know, I鈥檓 on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.