Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
#SuperBowl
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”