My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
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Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Oh, I bet you would be
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.