Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.