PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead