[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?