My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Wait a second…
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Weirdly Wednesday.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?