God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.