I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish