like u make the diseases or are against them ?
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead