everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*