After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
lmao
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶