@frogshack: I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
@frogshack: *finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should...should we keep it?
Wife: ...Let's sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that'd kill him
@frogshack: [Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don't u mean "armed" robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
@frogshack: [in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive