no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?