Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
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Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.