i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I drew y’all a little something.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break