There is no “we” in pizza
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Today’s Times
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.