What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st