Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Probably my best painting.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry