You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Love thy neighbor’s dog