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Page of funnybeachgirl's best tweets

@funnybeachgirl : Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”


(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

@funnybeachgirl: Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

@funnybeachgirl: *eats entire box of Triscuits*
*poops out a wicker chaise lounge*

@funnybeachgirl: With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

@funnybeachgirl: "I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!"

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

@funnybeachgirl: I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.

@funnybeachgirl: Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?

@funnybeachgirl: Energizing breakfast smoothie:

1. 2 cups chopped kale
2. 1 ripe banana
3. 1/8 tsp flax oil
4. 1/2 cup coconut water
5. 3 grams of cocaine