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@funnybeachgirl : Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
@funnybeachgirl: Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
@funnybeachgirl: *eats entire box of Triscuits*
*poops out a wicker chaise lounge*
@funnybeachgirl: With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
@funnybeachgirl: "Forgive me father, for I have pinned."
@funnybeachgirl: "I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!"
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
@funnybeachgirl: I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.
@funnybeachgirl: Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?
@funnybeachgirl: Energizing breakfast smoothie:
1. 2 cups chopped kale
2. 1 ripe banana
3. 1/8 tsp flax oil
4. 1/2 cup coconut water
5. 3 grams of cocaine