@funnybeachgirl

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

@funnybeachgirl

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

@funnybeachgirl

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

@funnybeachgirl

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

@funnybeachgirl

I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

@funnybeachgirl

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

@funnybeachgirl

Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?

@funnybeachgirl

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac