I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I think this should do it.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”