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@funnyordie : Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
@funnyordie: LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
@funnyordie: TRUMP: I don't have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
@funnyordie: No regrets in 2018
@funnyordie: Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
@funnyordie: Someone should probably go check on Steve.
@funnyordie: BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics.
@funnyordie: Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
@funnyordie: Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.