I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…