Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Going to church you guys need anything
No way!
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS