*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
me, too, girl. me, too.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’